Seleni Spotlight: Relationship Tips from Our Clinicians
February 2022 - As we celebrated Valentine’s Day this month, members of our clinical team gave some helpful tips and advice about relationships and couple’s counseling.
Who can benefit from couple’s counseling?
I think anyone can benefit from couple’s counseling. Couple’s therapy can help strengthen bonds, can help re-align couples, help better understand themselves as well as their partner, help heal ruptures, repair patterns learned from the family of origin, and also to determine when a relationship needs to end. People reach out for couple’s therapy for many different reasons, I’ve worked with couples early into their relationship that view therapy as a way to prevent problematic patterns from beginning, couples that are going through different life stages and changes, couples that want to end their relationship and aren’t sure how to, and everything in between.
Answer by: Alison C. Baker, Psychotherapist, LCSW. See full bio here.
Couples counseling benefits individuals in an important adult romantic relationship. Intimate partnerships can look different in many ways and certainly couples need not be in a crisis to come to couples counseling. At Seleni we often work with adults in the family building years and often see couples who are navigating transition. Whether as a couple you are preparing to become pregnant, are pregnant, had an unexpected loss, experienced a traumatic birth, are on a fertility journey, are getting to know your first baby, or have five children, adults in intimate relationships do well to find support. You don't need to be married to come to couples counseling, nor at the brink of divorce. In couples counseling, you and your partner can find a safe space to talk about the issues you face together. Every couple has disagreements and every couple has their differences of opinion. How we communicate and interact with each other is pivotal to a healthy relationship. Some of us have never seen that modeled well and therefore can have a difficult start to our own adult attachment relationship, especially embarking on the family building years transition. That's ok. In couples counseling you have a professional to hear you both, outline some research-based fundamentals of engagement in the sessions, and discuss what is on each of your minds. Each partner is heard, and we learn how to listen to each other. The couples therapist's client is the relationship itself, not either individual.
Answer by: Allison Peck, Psychotherapist, LMSW, MA, BBA. See full bio here.
What are some things you learn in couple’s counseling?
In couple’s therapy we learn about our partner, but we also learn a lot about ourselves. I believe that we are wired for connection, but the ways we seek connection can be confusing to our partner and even confusing to ourselves. As we unpack some of these patterns and cycles, we begin to understand the “dance” we are doing with our partner, and as we get clearer about what each person is trying to communicate, the longings, needs and feelings it enables us to learn new steps in the dance.
Answer by: Alison C. Baker, Psychotherapist, LCSW. See full bio here.
In couples counseling we can learn SO much. Psychoeducation around the vulnerability of pregnancy and perinatal mood issues can be very nourishing for the relationship. Sometimes we haven't fully considered the context of transition for the relationship and that can be key to comprehending questions like "Wait, who are we?", "What is it that is happening for us right now?", "How did we get here?" Also, our society and world has changed so much in recent decades, we need to consider the social constructs of the family building transition in terms of the relationship and how each individual feels about their gender and roles within the current context. In couples counseling there is the opportunity to learn many evidence-based skills in relation to communication, habits, and well-being for the relationship and family. Parenting skills can be addressed, and the fundamentals of life can be examined and agreed upon together. Couples counseling can strengthen skills for a successful lifelong relationship. If you never went to pre-marital counseling, it is recommended you come to couples counseling for clarity around shared vision and discussion that clarifies relationship pillars that are meaningful to you.
Answer by: Allison Peck, Psychotherapist, LMSW, MA, BBA. See full bio here.
How can couples improve their communication skills?
Sometimes we are listening to defend instead of listening to learn, and this shows up in a lot of negative cycles. I often try to expand the binary of right and wrong to highlight that there are reasons each person is doing what they are doing, and the outcome is usually not lining up with their intention. If couples can challenge themselves to hear the other person to understand what is motivating their communication and behavior it can be the bridge to better connection and communication. Sometimes reading a book together (or listening to an audiobook) or listening to a podcast (e.g., Esther Perel’s “Where Do We Begin”, or George Faller and Laurie Watson’s “Foreplay Radio”) can be fun. While it may not feel organic, scheduling time together, whether it is date night, walks, even sex, prioritizing time together is very important to maintaining the connection. It doesn’t always have to be serious or heavy, we can reconnect in playful ways that are very enriching and restorative.
Answer by: Alison C. Baker, Psychotherapist, LCSW. See full bio here.
What is a simple way couples can improve their relationship?
A simple way to connect and prioritize the relationship is to greet and farewell the day together. When you open your eyes and awake in the morning is your partner there beside you? Do you wake up together? A very simple concept is to greet your partner in the morning in a way that is pleasing to each other. Whether it be a kiss, embrace, a smile and "Good morning" - talk about how you would like to be greeted each day. Even if it can't be synchronous with young children, there can be some thought and/or action in the morning, such as a friendly greeting or a loving text each day. Similarly, do you go to bed at the same time? Getting into a routine of going to bed together can be life-changing in a relationship. Just as your children do well with a nighttime routine, so do we as adult partners. Is there something your partner really enjoys as they prepare for bed? Would you ever set aside some minutes for a neck rub, meditation together, journaling, or kiss good night? Prioritizing your partner each morning and night shows that we are mindful of one another and care. These habits are precious and tender, and habitually prioritize your marriage. Replicated research indicates these routines positively improve romantic relationships. (Notice if the daily greet-and-farewell-the-day habit also works wonderfully with your children.)
Answer by: Allison Peck, Psychotherapist, LMSW, MA, BBA. See full bio here.
What are the pillars of a healthy relationship?
What most of us crave is to be seen and understood in ways that authentically align with our view of self. When we feel seen and understood, the world can feel safer, and reaching for the other is not always so daunting. As the song by Roxy Music goes, “Love is the drug,” and love can give us the courage and capacity to dive into vulnerable territories. I think respect, curiosity about the other, and compassion are ingredients in a healthy relationship. We are all going to have conflict, but if we know how to repair, that can be a game changer, so the willingness to be open to the other’s perspective without feeling like we have to negate our own experience is powerful. I also think humor can be a huge help, I know it is something I have relied on in all of my close relationships.
Answer by: Alison C. Baker, Psychotherapist, LCSW. See full bio here.
This model outlines the components of a healthy relationship. With respect at the core, we are our best selves when there is accountability, safety, honesty, support, cooperation, and trust.
Answer by: Allison Peck, Psychotherapist, LMSW, MA, BBA. See full bio here.
Healthy Relationships Wheel
